Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
