if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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