Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I want to have your abortion
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
