I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
