I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
