Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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