I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
