I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
