By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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