Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
