On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize