i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
