I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
