i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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