you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
