You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
