the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize