That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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