She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize