I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize