Screwed.edu
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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