Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
