im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize