so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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