I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
