She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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