Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
