you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
