You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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