Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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