you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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