i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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