I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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