just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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