i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
