HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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