Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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