Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
