Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
