i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
