so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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