just come out here and I will go home with you...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
