I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
