even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
