I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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