i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
