Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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