I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
