Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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