i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
worst night to have a conscience
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
