Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
