Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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