Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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