3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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