I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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