mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize