I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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