is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
