Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
