He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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