Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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